Monday, February 05, 2007

The Real M.C. - How I Pimped my Country

Photo by Indi

The era of big government is over. Introducing, Mega Government…

53 Cabinet Ministers, 33 Non-Cabinet Ministers, 19 Deputy Ministers, 1 President, 2 brothers, 100s of Advisors, over 6000 self-hailing billboards, all this on a carefully calculated scientific basis.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Mahinda Chintana.

Yes it is indeed a new Sri Lanka under King Rajapakse, we now have:

A vibrant representative democracy –1 Minister per every 0.2 Million people– India can manage only 1 per every 14 million. No wonder there are bombs in Bombay!

A visionary economic plan spanning over 10 years of planned economic brilliance, all the soviets ever managed was 5 years.

A creative national security policy, 1 person disappears every hour. A truly home-grown solution to menace of terrorism.

All world leaders are now looking up to the chintanaya for answers to their present day crisis. So much so, the king has decided to publish his own book titled the ‘The Real MC: How I Pimped my country’.

Following is an extract from chapter 2: problem? what problem!

“..Is corruption a problem? Why not abolish the investigation body? Getting bashed in the media? Try arresting the editors. Your astrologers fear bad times? Change the time, stupid!. Miss your homies? Build the chaps an airport. Yes now they can fly into parties hosted in your official residence courtesy of the good people in The World Bank, the ADB, and of course your faithful tax payers. ..”

and chapter 4: Mihin-theroy

“..If you are the king, you really got to own your turf. So first, is the multimilliondollar marketing campaign. You have to make your homies feel you are with them; your figure must be visible from every street corner, roundabout and lamppost. Billboards are they way to go, statues are so Soviet Union. Every thing you do, have to scream it was done by you, launching your own Airline? Call it Mihin-Lanka, building a housing scheme? Name it mhindu-sevana, air purification project ? mihin-air…”

and Chapter 5: the Magic Word

“..if you learn only one phrase, let that be - ‘National Security’, now dig that. This is a life saver, yes it is these words that would justify anything and everything you do, it will justify inflation, abductions, shutting down your capital city, crooks in cabinet, yes absolutely anything!. The moment you or your merrymen utter these magic words, your peeps will start nodding. That’s right, time for some big time pimping..”

Many more chapters would be made available at a later date.

All proceeds would go into the ‘Helping Hambantota’ account for safe keeping on behalf of the good people in hambantota.

16 comments:

Java Jones said...

Brilliant! I'm looking forward to the rest of it

Hiran said...

Mahinda stinks!!! My father voted for him and now is regretting like hell.... We should rally around Ranil, who is apparently the better choice....

Maestro said...

Mahinda is a crook... Now he's trying to threaten Anura and Mangala.....Mahinda Rajapakshe is a joker. No policies, no principles, no brains.... Only beggars and villagers like him.....

Maestro said...

Ranil will become Prime Minister soon..... No one can stop that from happening. I think even God is in favor of that..... We've had enough of Mahinda's shit... Chase him away

Just Mal said...

anura and mangala are nothing but fat poofs. why would anyone want to threaten them?

i don't see how ranil could be the pm any time soon except in the dreams of someone with a particularly warped sense of reality.

btw, great article. full of bs but still entertaining.

Deane AKA ~CC~ said...

i donono, with Mangala sacking and all.. but ranil lacks numbers in parliament to ne thing.

its all confusing now.

yeah.. justmal, that was kinda the point, what's with the sanity streak recently though , got tired of all the trolling?

ne way cheers.
Deane.

Just Mal said...

ah thanks for noticing. there's no place to troll now that moju's committed suicide. i was actually talking about maestro/"Ranil will become Prime Minister soon". is he freal?

Deane AKA ~CC~ said...

true. those were the days..

Maestro said...
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Maestro said...

All Ranil needs is 113. here's the math for you

UNP - say, 38 (with a backlog of 5 more crossing over)
JVP - 38
JHU rebel - 1
TNA - 22

that adds up to 99. All we need is the support of 14 more to pass a motion of no-confidence. We already have 3, moreover we can get the support of the minority parties at the correct time. Someone told me Mangala has 8 more SLFP rebels in his bag...... Good luck Mahinda, start consulting a "Kattadiya". Damn good for the bloke for getting Prabakeren to secure his victory in 2005.....

Maestro said...

Just mal you're dumber than I thought. Then why reduce Mangala's and Sreepathi's security from 117 to 4? why resort to such low ebbs?

I know it hurts to see your third grade President all shaken up. He's been sending emissaries to mangala's house trying to calm him down and all that shit but of no avail.

I don't give a damn if Ranil will be PM or not in the near future, all we want is an election and throw out these reformists from parliament and increase UNP seats to about 80 and then sit pretty till the next presidential election in which I think Ranil will win hands down (with the constructive support of the JVP, SLFP(B) group and the Tamils, finally realising what a mistake it was to support MottaRala in 2005)

I can't wait to see how these psuedo patriots like Mahinda/Justmal will survive after Mahinda is thrown out of power and confined to the Araliya abode all lonely and shit...............

Just Mal said...

So matchang what incentive does the JVP have to support Ranil Wickremesinghe to obtain a parliamentary majority or win a presidential election? As a matter of fact, JVP MPs are now refusing to even acknowledge that Ranil is the leader of the opposition.

Mangala's security detail was reduced because he is no longer a minister and therefore isn't entitled to anything more than 4 guards. More importantly, he doesn't deserve any security from our troops after the way he disrespected them.

Surely you're not being serious Maestro. How old are you?

Btw, how could Mahinda even be in the Temple trees, lonely and shitting himself or otherwise, after he's thrown out of power, and how could that possibly affect my survival when I live thousands of miles away in Australia. You're not making much sense matchang.

Maestro said...
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Maestro said...

First and foremost fyi I'm 27 and understanding your tone and language I surmise that you can't be anything more than 21. If you are indeed older I have to say you're pretty immature.....

I say that because you don't seem to understand what "Constructive" means. Every child knows that the JVP or for that matter SLFP(B) group will never join the UNP nor will they contest as an alliance with the UNF. When one says constructive it means "inaction leading to indirect accompaniment". Therefore by deciding to contest separately from the mainstream SLFP they are splitting the anti-UNP vote thereby assisting Ranil as they did in 2001. As at now the UNP can never win an election under Ranil if he is up against a united UPFA. Once that is split it's pretty much a cake walk for Ranil. And get this and I say this again get this.. We won't let grass grow under our feet if he decides to dissolve parliament as Chandrika did in 2004... Even if he does dissolves parliament it will be of no use as he won't have the JVP to contest leaving him back to square one....

Please don't show your slip Just mal when you try to comment about security. A person's security is not determined by numbers. If any person is under threat he needs to be protected. When Lakshman Kadirgamar was just an MP Ranil provided him with a mini army as sucurity including 39 odd vehicle The same with Anuruddha Ratwatte. Had he used "just mal logic" he should have reduced their security to a normal MP. My friend the State has a fundamental obligation to provide security to every single citizen taking into consideration the level of threat he is subject to....

Since Mangala's life is under threat by the LTTE he needs to be looked after. After all it was he who got the tigers banned in Canada and the EU. By failing to restore his security seems like someone wants to settle a score with Mangala for embarking on that hercules task. It's not impossible to think as now details are emerging of pact between the LTTE and Mahinda.......

We'll see how the so-called patriots react after they find out that Mahinda is a traitor and an opportunist and a dealer who will go to the extent of "dealing with the devil" to win elections.

Most of the people I know who are in australia are cursing the bloke for his mismanagement of the country. They have no future to look forward to once they decide to come back to the country...But you strangely support Mahinda for I don't know why. He will go down in history as being the worst President Sri Lanka has ever been "blessed with". But wait... He won't be able to complete his 6 year term. He'll be thrown out pretty soon. The south will be liberated from the "Rajapakse Troika" in the near future.

Maestro said...
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Mahinda said...

Read about mahinda rajapakse (3rd march 2007) and his history with the SLFP

http://www.mawbima.lk/articles/puwath/17.html